Poems by Jaylee .

SAD

a poem by Jaylee .

There is something in me that controls my life.
It is not an addiction to a substance or a goal I am in pursuit of.

This thing inside of me is what causes me to be who I am,
but I cannot say that I am proud of that.

I do not know 100% where this came from,
but it does not matter because it worsens everyday
I try to figure it out and take a look back.

Some doctors give it a fancy name,
but I simply like to call it fear.
Not the typical fear like a scary movie or a ghost whispering a word into your ear.
This fear, this fear is much different.

This fear that not everyone can hear,
that not everyone can understand, that not everyone can come to the conclusion
that there is something really out out there that this kid is afraid of.

This fear is called SAD, S.A.D., Social Anxiety Disorder.
An acronym so perfectly written not because it makes me sad,
but because it is sad that I am fearful of something that does not exist.

I wish I could be afraid of a horror film,
I wish I could be afraid of heights,
I wish I could be afraid of getting mugged in an alley on my way back from school that day,
I wish…

Instead, I am afraid of that which does not exist.

I am afraid that my entire life is being judged
even though there is no one there to do the judging.

I am afraid to say HI
to someone I have been living in the same building with
for 9 ****ing months.

I am afraid to eat alone in the cafeteria
so I drive in my car to an obscure location to eat my damn meal.

I am afraid of the moment when the teacher spits the words “Get into groups.”

I am afraid of my own curiosity
because I know it will lead to, me wanting to ask a question.
A question filled with potential learning and knowledge,
but forget that because I cannot even muster up enough courage to ask it.

I am afraid of other people, so I do not socialize,
and when I do not socialize, I am afraid of being alone.
If I am afraid of both people and being alone,
what the hell am I supposed to do on any given Saturday morn.

This really is sad. Go ahead laugh,
laugh at me for having a fear of Absolutely nothing.
Go ahead and laugh because this really is sad, S.A.D, Social Anxiety Disorder.