Poems by Kevin Hylands

Some Meretricious Facts Pertaining to Rat

a poem by Kevin Hylands

Mer`e*tri”cious. Resembling the arts of a harlot;
alluring by false show; gaudily and deceitfully ornamental; tawdry.

My hair is high and my beard is thick
My golfing swing is deft and slick
I order food by use of hands
I smell it, taste it using glands.

O High Priest of TV Twittery
Polarize my pitches
Denigrate my
Carnal knowledge
Of Morbid Midlanders
And nubile leprechauns.

When I pass my driving test
I shall wear a ‘Darius’ vest.

Rat one day said to Gobshite O’Rourke
“The show’s not working we have to talk”
Rat’s new series ‘The Shame of Dogs’
Is something Kevin Hyland logs.

O just imbiber of ocelot lights
Visit me noondays
And pass loud wind
Emit gusts
Of such rankness and fervour
That Leather and Lenses commissions it.

When I pass my driving test
I shall drive to Worthing
Then I’ll drive to Wittering
Which is just a little West.

I Rat
Shall
Conquer
The Box
Just give me
Money
Stories
And buffoons
And I shall thee equip
With
Succulent
Documentaries
No bugger will watch.